Finding Your Mr./Ms. Right

5 Golden Rules for finding your life partner
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms.Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing."

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you --who can't do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Why do men leave their partners?

Why do men leave their partners? The common scripts you widely hear from men is “I need space”, “The problem is on me”, “I want to search myself”, “You don’t deserve me” or “You’re not the one I used to know”. I said scripts because they are untrue to a certain extent. Scripts, for they are just been said to lessen the pain and to give respect even for the last time. One of the true reasons I can think of is weariness or boredom. Men are sometimes selfish, they cannot help themselves to look for what they want inside their shabby relationship. They are looking for a perfect partner, it could be another woman, adventure, or career. This perfect partner will not only accept him as he is fully, but also will finally make him express the parts of himself that are hidden. She'll bring out the best in him. Rather than criticize and make demands, the perfect partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his every need. But you have to understand that this is only men’s fantasy. If only women could fully recognized this, they’d be able to know how to handle and deal with it.
I know a girl who became overweight while her husband is still slim and tidy. She’s finding reasons on how to defend her situation or why she was resulted in being fat, like she gave birth to their children, she doesn’t have time to exercise and etc. But when we are together, she most likely wanted to go out, check some restaurants and shop. Even at breakfast, while her mouth is still full, she’s already asking everyone what they can get for snack. Could you imagine that?!, she’s still eating her breakfast and then she’s planning ahead for having a snack. There are a lot of things to think of, but for her, it’s always food. I was not surprised when she told me that her husband consumes a lot of his time in doing something like reading, surfing the net, or fixing his car. I can’t blame him, it’s better to get into things that interests him rather than focusing to some unlikely sights. c",) This will make men more bored in the relationship, you see, what men and women don’t realize is that their true need is to find adventures in their relationship. This girl that I’m talking about should be challenged on how she can get back the attention of her husband, not only in the physical sense but also in finding ways to somehow fulfill his fantasies.

The Best Gift You Can Give to Your Spouse

Most of the time, married couple for many years are becoming at ease with each other. This is how they can make the other person feel that he's being accepted whoever he is or whatever he does. Sometimes this kind of thinking out bounds the true meaning of acceptance. For a healthy relationship, you should still have the sense of indignity to yourself whenever you did an offensive thing in front of your partner. One time, I watched this late night show, a sitcom called ‘Home Improvement” starring Tim Allen. His wife, Jill invited some friends in their house and found Tim so appealing that they envied Jill for having a husband like him. This made Jill realize all the good traits of Tim the first time they met, which made her fall to him. She then promised Tim a romantic night in their bedroom. Jill prepared so much that she wore her sexy nighties with a warm setup all around the room. Here comes Tim who had just came from an eat out with his son, too much full that he gave 2 big belches. And when he got in to their bed, he started swaying his hands out of the blanket to loosen the gas he just passed. Poor Jill, all her excitement were turned into madness. Of course she will freak out and lost her passion to what she had prepared for. It’s not only in the acts that you may offend your partner but also to the way you look, you talk, you eat, you smell and etc. What I’m saying here is that there should be no reason for you not to act or look good, the same way you shown to your partner when the both of you are just starting to build a relationship. The best gift you can give to your partner is for you to be always at your “best”. If you’re getting fatter, you should exercise and do some diet. If you grew some beard, then shave. Always make sure that you are rightful in your partner’s eyes. Fix your hair, brush your teeth, have a little cologne or perfume and most importantly, take a bath. When your partner came from work and being exhausted for the whole day problems, you will not aim to add in to his exhaustion. You should serve as a reward to him that his stress will not matter as soon as he sees you waiting for him with you at your best. This is not a one-way process, like the saying goes, “It takes two to Tango”. Both parties should know their responsibilities and limitations to each other, and that will sum up by treating each other right.

Did I marry the right person?

I did get this from my email and got inspired with his thoughts. I just want to share this with you, married or single, it doesn’t matter as long as you are in a relationship, this one is for you…
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said,“How do I knoow if I married the right person?”I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “Itdepends. Is that your husband?”In all seriousness, she answered “How do you know?”Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’sweighing on your mind.Here’s the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love withyour spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and likedtheir idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was acompletely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DOanything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… because it’shappening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the
imagery of that ___expression. It implies that you were just standingthere; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling is love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s thenatural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone callsbecome a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when
it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if youthink about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between
the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angrysubsequent stage.At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marrythe right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love u once had, you may begin to desire that experience withsomeoneelse. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse fortheir unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity isthe most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, afriendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. Itlies within it.
I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. Youcould. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the samesituation a few years later.Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’SLEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVERjust happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it
day in and day out. That’s why we have the ___expression “the labor oflove.”Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, ittakesWISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specificthings you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with yourmarriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there
are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exerciseprogram makes you physically stronger, certain habits in yourrelationshipWILLmake your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know
and apply the laws, the results are predictable… you can “make” love.
Love in marriage is indeed a “decision”… not just a feeling.