How to Say "No" to your child

This post is in response to gab’s mom’s question from my last blog. As you all know, gab’s mom is also Clarence’s godmother and a good friend of mine. Here’s her question:

"i should start saying NO to him! i'm the mom, yeah? LOL

but wait, he's just 1 and 9 mos, should i let him win for now? ha ha ha! i just thought that he might be too young for a resounding NO! what do you think?"

My last post was on how to deal with your toddler when all you hear from him is “No”. Now, I’ll share with you how to say “No” to your child in other ways. It’s parent’s turn to say “No” in ways that (I believe) will be effective in the child’s development regardless of the age. Constantly saying “No” to your child causes it’s meaning to lose its sense. When your child always hears “No”, “Stop” or “Don’t” he’s most likely to become frustrated or afraid to try new things. He can’t build his confidence when you always think that he can’t be messy, risky or free. Though our objective is to protect our child, it’s still better that he will learn this (our objective) by himself---- on WHY we are resistant in his actions. Consider this example, when your child is about to reach the toilet water, of course, your first response is to say “No!” that’s fine (to say No at his first attempt) but it will be more effective when you support it with an explanation. Like “That’s dirty!” or “Yucky! It will make you sick!” So the next time he goes for the toilet again (which he will surely do), instead of “No”, you can just say “Dirty!”, “Yucky” with an exaggerated disgusted face expression. This will help your child understand WHY, and the toilet will be less attractive for him.

Another example is when your child asks for his toy during meal time, of course you will say No again. No, no and no!... That’s kind of irritating on him also, let’s put ourselves into their shoes, it’s like what we feel when our spouses tell the same thing on us in an argument. So here’s another way you can say No to your child the next time he asks for a toy during meal time. “Okay, son you can have/play your toy but it will be later after you finish your food” or "YES! yes, you'll have your toy once dinner is done". "Okay" and "Yes" are better in hearing for them but you can see there’s still a compromise. It’s a bargain that they will surely accept instead of NO (no toy) at all.

My last example is making yourself responsible as a grown-up. You want to protect your child but you are the one who’s sometimes making things dangerous for him. You don’t like to say No all the time so you have to do something on the things and place your child is wandering. Make his world a childproof environment and his toys safe for him. Like when your child tried to touch an electrical outlet, you’ll be there again to hysterically say “No!” but if you already put outlet plugs on it, there’s no reason for you to worry and your child will be free from hearing the No word constantly. If he kept on going to the kitchen or toilet, you can use toddler SAFETY gates or door knob locks. No one else could know what your child needs to be protected but YOU. Be proactive and Beat the Negative. Yes! It rhymes again.

The “No” Word!

It seems that toddlers’ first learning words will not be a set if the word NO is not present. For them it’s a powerful word that can put things in the way they want it to be. I believe this is a normal behavior, a stage where things are hard for the parents to handle. You ask something that you’ll like him to do but instead he’ll just stare at you, shakes head or say “NO!” or even ‘better‘ he does the exact opposite of what he was told. 2 to 3 years old are like that as I observed from my own son and his playgroup mates. Some parents shared the same experience. I think this is the stage where our kids wanted to be in control. They want to do things their own way. We can’t blame them. They have their own opinions and ideas. We want them to be independent but we also like them to be mindful of the needs of others, to see danger, to think before they act and to say No in such acceptable ways. Because saying No is also important! For them, to stay away in trouble or bad things when they get older.

But for the meantime, we want of course, to make our kids not to be used in saying this (I could say) a bit negative word.  One thing I’ve learned from Janice Simons, one of Clarence's very patient teachers was not to give Clarence an option to say No if we want him to do something. Like, when we’re cleaning up his toys and we want to ask him to put his truck away, we will say, “Where do you want this truck, on the shelf or under your table?” In that way, he has no choice but to keep his truck in either place, and hearing the No word becomes lesser. Two acceptable choices that will also make him decide. In food, he sometimes dislike apple but his only second option is grapes. So I didn’t give him anything bad like cookies as another option. Another thing is when you are asking him to do something that he will resist to do, verbally or physically. Like when I ask him to get a diaper, naturally, he’ll say a really tough NO with a look of determination that’s like he’s not gonna break his final word NO. According to Ms. Peggi Kelly, he’s another strong-willed teacher, you should not give up by you yourself getting the diaper, but instead you’ll make sure that your child is getting the signal you’re passing on him. He should know that you are more determined to get your goal – the Diaper.. LOLs! I mean the idea of your child to follow what has been asked him to do. You should not ignore it by saying “oh well, I’ll get it myself just to make it simple!” which is a big mistake because it will just make a perception to your child that he can manipulate you by just saying No. –And that’s not making your life SIMPLE! Instead, you’ll tell your child that you will get the diaper together and you will help him in finding and pulling it from wherever it is kept. You’ll be surprised that he’ll do it…, with you just watching beside him. It’s a win-win-win game, you get your goal of making him follow you, prevents him in possible manipulating on you and you get the diaper. Say No to Stress, Say Yes to Success!! Hehe It rhymes.